On crying.

Whenever I feel like crying, I just imagine a little Gandalf standing in front of my tear ducts yelling,

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

This picture needs to be shown in it's entirety.


It is awesome. Unfortunately every time I upload it, it's either GINORMOUS or tiny. Oh joyous interweb! Is there any simple task that you can't make a million times harder!

Either way. Thanks Arianne.



...I just realized you can see the full size one by clicking on the image. All is forgiven, internet, all is forgiven.

On thank you cards.

I hate writing thank you cards to people I don't know. I never know what to say.

'Thank You. I really liked your money.'

Breakfast Conversations

Me: Aren't cold sores a type of herpes?
Dad: Yes.
Mom: That's why I always have shame.
Dad: ...huh?
Me: ...I don't think--
Mom: It's sexual disease!

"Dream catchers work... if your dream is to be gay." - Demitri Martin

It's early morning and I'm in Seung's house--which between real life and dream land has turned into a super modern, spacious mansion.

I'm looking around for him when he runs up to me and says:

"Hey"

Then before I can answer he bolts up the stairs, the doorbell rings, and Koreans start to fill the house. Not only that, but I see that fully dressed Koreans have been sleeping on the ground and are starting to rise and greet each other.

It is very noisy.

Then Teresa walks in with a crowd of older Koreans. Weird.

Everyone begins to form a large buffet line to the kitchen and Teresa runs up to me and tells me she has to tell me something "important". The line begins to move.

I begin to try to pick out what kind of cereal I want to eat while she explains how annoying a friend of ours can be.

I realize there's no milk.

Fin.

On gender.

"It's the difference between being specifically vague and being vaguely specific."

-William, on the difference between men and women.

Dear Old People,

Please, get off Facebook.


Love,

W.M.

disgruntled.

"I hate people."

-William, on people.

laser butterflies will kill us all...

"If there's one thing a man can't stand, it's being called 'adorable.'" -William, on being called adorable.

Today I witnessed, once again, nature's nerve to stand up to man. The feeling it gives me? Chilling bewilderment.

Have you ever seen a spider in the middle of the floor, completely still. You shift: it doesn't. It's almost as if it thinks we're t-rex's and that we can only see what moves. Stupid spider.

Instantly you creep away to get your tool of death and are back in a split second, carefully molding the dry wad of toilet paper in your hands for optimum grab-crushing, your hand reaching out in front of you as you crouch down ready to pounce.

The spider isn't there.

"Clever girl..."

The hunt has begun. You climb onto a piece of furniture--like the dark green futon on which your father is snoozing away--in the hopes that your elevated position will aid you when the arachnid shows itself.

Suddenly out of the dark recesses, the eight leg'd demon spawn scurries out again, trying to get from below the couch to the safety of the narrow cracks in the cabinet on the other side of the room.

You snap your head in its direction and, as if on cue, it stops dead in its tracks.

Here is your chance! You leap into the air with a wail of fury, but just as your feet touch the ground, the unthinkable happens: it runs full speed toward you.

Something is clearly wrong here. Here's this tiny little abomination, maybe one ten thousandth your size, that has a better chance building a zeppelin than going toe to toe with the most destructive animal on the planet, and yet it decides to run at you?

Well it works.

It doesn't matter how small it is, that thing is gunning for you and thousands of years of primal instinct tell your body to get out of the way. Something in your head tells you the equivalent of "DO A BARREL ROLL!" and you learn the hard learned lesson that the human physiology just wasn't designed for flight.

Landing on your backside the dreadful truth hits you full force: they have been waiting for this. This moment of weakness, and now the death-spawn of every spider you have ever killed and flushed down the toilet is going to swarm out of every dark place and devour you.

Instantly you're on your feet. You lurch for the tissue that fell from your hand and it's a mad dash to crush that terror in the palm of your fist.

So it goes.

Actually that whole story was just an illustration, to prepare you for an even greater menace: Geese.

Mankind, what are we doing wrong? Animals are supposed to fear us! Not the other way around.

If I run full force into a giant flock of geese they should scatter like pigeons! But no! Today at the University of Washington I tried to exercise my constitutional right to disturb the peace of these poor animals, and instead of flying off together in fear, these birds looked me straight in the eye and hissed!

Suddenly the order of the universe has been turned on its head. I was the one running in fear from a hundred or so hissing geese.

This is an uprising! Insurrection! Pure unadulterated rebellion to the status quo! We cannot let this go unchecked. Soon all sorts of uppity wildlife will be demanding legal representation while stealing our delicious sandwiches out of our very expensive portable ice chests!

It doesn't have to be just a dream! We can live without fear once more. We don't need to constantly be worried by the possible attack from land, sea, and air.

We can fight it. We can fight nature and that cruel mistress called Mother Earth.

a troubling thought

"Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm trapped inside the body of a terribly boring person."

-William, upon seeing an encyclopedia, clorox disinfectant wipes, and a reminder to 'cook rice at 5 o'clock' on his desk.

switching over.

"It's confusing. Like having two chairs set aside especially for you at a dinner table but only one plate of food."

-William, on having two blogs